the rawhide jerk......and other fine tales.
before political correctness invaded the workplace things were very different indeed. beed ain’t sayin’ some changes didn’t need to take place. of course there is no excuse for any type of sexual harassment or violence in the workplace.
beed is just sayin’ it used to be very, very different when he began his career at the p.o. and the antithesis to political correctness was a man named david lewis. he is no longer with us. he died of lupus several years ago. he died in fact within one year of retirement. beed was one of the few people that visited him on his deathbed.
he was the type of person you either loved or hated as he could not keep his mouth shut and would say anything to anybody. he used to call beed “boy carter” as to him beed was a boy. beed was only 22 when he started at the p.o. and lewis was probably in his young fourties at the time.
if you have virgin eyes you may want to click away from this blog as beed is going to share some of lewis’s stories and actions and some of them are r-rated if not x-rated. just makin’ a disclaimer here. let beed give you a description of the man so you can picture him.
he was around 5’9 and went no more than a buck fourty five soaking wet. he had absolutely no ass and his belt fought many a battle to keep his dungarees up.
he had a headfull of thick brown hair that he greased back in a fifties style hairdo. he had a huge droopy mustache that would have made jim croce jealous.
he had tattoos from one wrist to the other wrist. we’re not talkin’ some fine ink like dahbeed sports. he was a former sailor so lewis’s tats were of the variety that one would pick up in drunken ports of call. the one beed liked the best was the lady in a bikini on his forearm that he could make dance when he flexed his forearm muscles.
he spent 13 years in the navy and had the rank of e-3 when he got out. with 13 years most people would at least be an e-6 if not an e-7. but he told beed that he kept making rank but then they would bust him down because he couldn’t hold his tongue and would flap his gums back to his superiors.
he would hold court all night long telling stories from his navy days or recanting what he heard that someone said about him on another shift and how he was gonna get them back for sayin’ it. beed is gonna relay a couple of his navy stories for ya’ and this is where it gets x-rated so click away if you don’t wanna read it.
he told us that he spent a lot of time in the phillipine islands. he told us that u could pick up some trim over there for just a couple bucks a day. the best one he ever had asked him if he wanted to do the rawhide jerk.
he said he had never heard of it. she pulled out a piece of leather that had knots tied in it spaced about every half inch. she told him that she would insert this into his asshole and when he was ready to orgasm she would jerk it out and he would love it.
he told her that he would try anything once and agreed to it. just as he was about orgasm he told her to pull it. she did and he swore to this day that it was the best orgasm he ever had. needless to say, beed has nevah experienced the “rawhide jerk”.
now he would tell these stories full volume. at the time there were only two women working the graveyard shift but he never let that impede him at all as he thought they would be interested in his re-telling of the “rawhide jerk”. but like beed said, this was back in 82 and the workfloor rules were much more lax than they are today.
another story he loved telling over and over, again, involved a phillipine prostitute and it was just flat out gross. click away NOW if you have a weak stomach.
he had picked up a young prostitute at a subic bay bar where he had been drinking all night. he added that he was pretty lit up but being young he had no problem “rising to the occasion”.
he then told us as they had sex he kept sucking her breasts and kept thinking to himself there must be a baby in the apartment as she was lactating and he was getting mother’s milk.
when he woke up the next morning, sober, he looked around for the baby. it was then that he noticed that she was not lactating but in fact had a big boil on one of her breasts. oh my God. did beed really repeat that story? he told ya’ll it was gross and offered you a chance to click away from his blog but that dark secret side of you made you stay didn’t it?
if this happened to you would you tell all of your co-workers about it? beed wouldn’t either. but lewis was a character larger than life and beed loves characters. they keep life from being monotonous and dull. they are the jalapeno peppers of the human race.
lewis had a sidekick whose name was louis g. they worked side by side sorting mail every night. louis g. would amen and hallelujah all of lewis’s stories. he also had a trick that they would play on new employees.
shortly after beed started we were all gathered at the time clock and as usual lewis had something for the beedstah. he said “hey boy carter, have you seen louis g’s new belt buckle?”
beed had not so of course he looks down to inspect louis g’s new belt buckle but a new belt buckle was not what lewis and louis g had in mind for dahbeed. louis g had evidently felt impelled to share his manhood with dahbeed as poking out from the top of his trousers was the head of his dick.
and they would do this to any newbie so beed used to warn them, “hey, if lewis axes you to check out louis g’s new belt buckle, don’t look down”. with the rules that we have in place now, those two guys wouldn’t last one day without bein’ sent to the front office for discipline.
beed ain’t gonna say that lewis was a great person or good guy or any of the standard descriptions we give of people who have passed on. but beed will say that david lewis amused the hell out of him…..and ya’ll should know by now how much beed’s lunatic fringe brain craves amusement. so solly if this story was too racy for you but every word of it is the truth.
beed wishes he had tape recorded every one on david lewis’s stories as beed could write a book on them. but beed didn’t tape record them and those two stories are the ones indelibly stamped on beed’s brain….as they will be on yours now.
in honor of a character,
your friend,
dahbeed (not lewis)
beed is just sayin’ it used to be very, very different when he began his career at the p.o. and the antithesis to political correctness was a man named david lewis. he is no longer with us. he died of lupus several years ago. he died in fact within one year of retirement. beed was one of the few people that visited him on his deathbed.
he was the type of person you either loved or hated as he could not keep his mouth shut and would say anything to anybody. he used to call beed “boy carter” as to him beed was a boy. beed was only 22 when he started at the p.o. and lewis was probably in his young fourties at the time.
if you have virgin eyes you may want to click away from this blog as beed is going to share some of lewis’s stories and actions and some of them are r-rated if not x-rated. just makin’ a disclaimer here. let beed give you a description of the man so you can picture him.
he was around 5’9 and went no more than a buck fourty five soaking wet. he had absolutely no ass and his belt fought many a battle to keep his dungarees up.
he had a headfull of thick brown hair that he greased back in a fifties style hairdo. he had a huge droopy mustache that would have made jim croce jealous.
he had tattoos from one wrist to the other wrist. we’re not talkin’ some fine ink like dahbeed sports. he was a former sailor so lewis’s tats were of the variety that one would pick up in drunken ports of call. the one beed liked the best was the lady in a bikini on his forearm that he could make dance when he flexed his forearm muscles.
he spent 13 years in the navy and had the rank of e-3 when he got out. with 13 years most people would at least be an e-6 if not an e-7. but he told beed that he kept making rank but then they would bust him down because he couldn’t hold his tongue and would flap his gums back to his superiors.
he would hold court all night long telling stories from his navy days or recanting what he heard that someone said about him on another shift and how he was gonna get them back for sayin’ it. beed is gonna relay a couple of his navy stories for ya’ and this is where it gets x-rated so click away if you don’t wanna read it.
he told us that he spent a lot of time in the phillipine islands. he told us that u could pick up some trim over there for just a couple bucks a day. the best one he ever had asked him if he wanted to do the rawhide jerk.
he said he had never heard of it. she pulled out a piece of leather that had knots tied in it spaced about every half inch. she told him that she would insert this into his asshole and when he was ready to orgasm she would jerk it out and he would love it.
he told her that he would try anything once and agreed to it. just as he was about orgasm he told her to pull it. she did and he swore to this day that it was the best orgasm he ever had. needless to say, beed has nevah experienced the “rawhide jerk”.
now he would tell these stories full volume. at the time there were only two women working the graveyard shift but he never let that impede him at all as he thought they would be interested in his re-telling of the “rawhide jerk”. but like beed said, this was back in 82 and the workfloor rules were much more lax than they are today.
another story he loved telling over and over, again, involved a phillipine prostitute and it was just flat out gross. click away NOW if you have a weak stomach.
he had picked up a young prostitute at a subic bay bar where he had been drinking all night. he added that he was pretty lit up but being young he had no problem “rising to the occasion”.
he then told us as they had sex he kept sucking her breasts and kept thinking to himself there must be a baby in the apartment as she was lactating and he was getting mother’s milk.
when he woke up the next morning, sober, he looked around for the baby. it was then that he noticed that she was not lactating but in fact had a big boil on one of her breasts. oh my God. did beed really repeat that story? he told ya’ll it was gross and offered you a chance to click away from his blog but that dark secret side of you made you stay didn’t it?
if this happened to you would you tell all of your co-workers about it? beed wouldn’t either. but lewis was a character larger than life and beed loves characters. they keep life from being monotonous and dull. they are the jalapeno peppers of the human race.
lewis had a sidekick whose name was louis g. they worked side by side sorting mail every night. louis g. would amen and hallelujah all of lewis’s stories. he also had a trick that they would play on new employees.
shortly after beed started we were all gathered at the time clock and as usual lewis had something for the beedstah. he said “hey boy carter, have you seen louis g’s new belt buckle?”
beed had not so of course he looks down to inspect louis g’s new belt buckle but a new belt buckle was not what lewis and louis g had in mind for dahbeed. louis g had evidently felt impelled to share his manhood with dahbeed as poking out from the top of his trousers was the head of his dick.
and they would do this to any newbie so beed used to warn them, “hey, if lewis axes you to check out louis g’s new belt buckle, don’t look down”. with the rules that we have in place now, those two guys wouldn’t last one day without bein’ sent to the front office for discipline.
beed ain’t gonna say that lewis was a great person or good guy or any of the standard descriptions we give of people who have passed on. but beed will say that david lewis amused the hell out of him…..and ya’ll should know by now how much beed’s lunatic fringe brain craves amusement. so solly if this story was too racy for you but every word of it is the truth.
beed wishes he had tape recorded every one on david lewis’s stories as beed could write a book on them. but beed didn’t tape record them and those two stories are the ones indelibly stamped on beed’s brain….as they will be on yours now.
in honor of a character,
your friend,
dahbeed (not lewis)
posted by dahbeed at 11:08 AM
4 Comments:
Oh man!! The belt buckle joke is too funny! You seriously need to go out and rent the movie "Waiting". You'll get a kick out of it, but watch out for "The Goat"!
condray, that guy was off the freakin' heezie. i wish i could remember more of the shit he spinned.
can u imagine that stuff going on today? i really liked dave and hated to see him die so young. he was only 56.
i was telling a friend how much i like characters. even george the bullshitter, i respected the size of his cojones for tellin' me the story about the trained rat.
i didn't think i would get any comments on this one as i figured my regular readers (or commenters) are womans for the most part.
i figured they were silently shaking their heads and sayin' "beed, i don't believe i woulda told that one" kinda like the old joke.
Ah Beed, It'll take a lot worse than any of those stories to totally gross me out. But ewwww on the 'lactating' prostitute. You're right, I would tell a story like that if it had happened to me. ICK! :) Thanks for the stories. Like Condray, the belt buckle trick was funny! Why can't stuff like that happen at my work? Well maybe not...there surely isn't a 'belt buckle' I'd want to see at work.
I, Shari, do solemly (sp?) swear that Beed has never paid me, in money or otherwise, for any comments that I have made. I just like a good read. that's all folks!!
Man, even some of the ladies find gross "guy" humor funny, sometimes. Adrianne tries to act like she doesn't, but I see her snicker when I do certain things. I won't tell you what, but they're funny! She hates toilet humor and I can't so much as mention "droppin' the kids off at the pool" when she'll say something like "remember, I'm your fiancee and I don't want to hear that".
You'd think with all of the kids she's been around that stuff like that wouldn't phase her at all. I've still got to break her in. She's the first girl I've ever dated that's gotten mad at me for farting, even accidentally. Now I just do it for fun, because I know it gets her goat. What's the fun in a relationship if you can't drive each other mad?
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