beed.....from macho marine....to office dweeb!!!!

that photo above ladies and gentlemen is of the opening page of an excel spreadsheet. let's go back in history before dahbeed became an office dweeb.

the year was 1977, quit snickering u bunch of snot-nosed young whippersnappers....don't post in the comments section that was the year that you were born or the year you started kindergarten with your best friend, suzy rottencrotch. beed don't wanna hear about it, comprende?

beed had just enlisted in the marine corps. he was 17 years and 3 months old. he had graduated high school in december of '76. the country was in a terrible recession and there were no good jobs to be found in bowling green. beed's momma was already hounding him by january first to get off his lazy ass and find a job......that beed wuzn't gonna just lounge around all day while she went to work.

so beed decided to join the military.....the navy to be precise about it. he had a cousin in the navy that had regaled him with stories of unmentionable things you could get a lady in the phillipines to do for the great sum of 5 dollahs a day. hell, beed wanted some of that action. when beed was 17 he was walking around all day sportin' wood that a cat couldn't scratch. subic bay, phillipine islands here i come.

but a funny thing happened on the way to the navy recruiting office. the squid recruiters happened to be at lunch. right across the hallway was the marine corps recruiters office. two of beed's old buddies had just finished up boot camp and were on a month of recruiting duty with the marine corps recruiter.

they hollered at beed..... "what's up, come on in here" beed told 'em "hell naw, i don't want no part of the marine corps" they then lied "aw, come on in here, it really isn't that bad" so beed visited the office. the local recruiter was one of those good ole boys that could have sold ice water to an eskimo.

they wanted to know why beed was knocking on the navy recruiters door. beed said "well i'm thinking about enlisting, there are no jobs here and i wanted to get some kind of training" they say, "hell, any job the navy has we have" beed replies, "no, i don't want to be a soldier, i want to get some kind of technical training"

ice water salesman then tells beed, just take the test and lets see what we can work out. now if u've ever read beed very much then u know that he's fairly impressed with his own intellectual abilities. the last i.q. test he took came in at 139......squarely in the middle of the 135-144 gifted range but still below the 145 and above genius range. not too shabby for white trash that grew up on 15th street. beed tells you this so you will believe him when he says after taking the military battery of examinations the recruiter tells him that beed is eligible for ANY job they have.

so beed stars pawing through the catalogue of the different m.o.s.'s (military occupational specialties) and tells the recruiter "i want a job where i will be inside all the time". you see, beed's stepdad had worked construction his whole life and would come home every night dog tired and dirty and tell his 4 little crumb snatchers to get a job where you could work inside. don't break your back doing construction work outside in the elements.

beed paused as he sees a picture of a guy in marine camo utilities working on some type of electronics and it was inside what appeared to be an air conditioned office. "how about this? electronics" the ice water salesman grins (he knows he has beed hooked, he just needs to reel him in slowly and reach for the net) and reaches for his net, "not only are you definitely eligible for that but when you complete your schools you will receive a 1,500 dollar bonus. now beed knows that 1,500 dollars will only get you a popcorn and large coke at the movies these days but in 1977 beed's eyes got big when he heard about that huge sum of money for the taking.

"where do i sign up?" now, electronics is by no means a macho job. but in the marine corps they have this policy that every marine is truly a rifleman first and then they are whatever their m.o.s. calls for second. they feel that no matter how cush your job might be, since the marines are usually in the forward most areas of battle that you might have to drop that soldering iron and pick up your m-16 in a new york minute. so, no matter what job you are going to take, all recruits attend the same recruit training.......11 weeks of hell called boot camp.

beed went into boot camp as a 5'11 ethiopian like 136 pounds. when he left 12 weeks later he was up to 155 pounds and every ounce of it was muscle. they will transform you. it starts with breaking you down mentally and physically. they do it through intimidation, they scream at you from a distance of 2 inches. and when nobody else is looking they would punch on you if they thought you needed it. beed only got punched on one occasion, all shots to the stomach so as to not leave marks and done whilst in the head (bathroom) when nobody else was around.

from what beed has garnered from some recent recruits, they still yell at you but they are no longer allowed to curse at you and most definitely not punch you but this was almost 30 years ago and that shit did go on back then. they also teach you how to shoot....... lee harvey oswald and charles whitman were both taught how to shoot by none other than the united states marine corps. beed had grown up on 15th street and 14th street in bowling green most of his life and there ain't exactly no shootin' ranges on either one of them.

but beed is a pretty fast learner, remember that 139? and the marine corps has been just a wee bit well known in the ability to fire a weapon. this is no kidding....out of 53 people in our platoon we only had 6 men shoot expert (the highest level). guess where 5 of the 6 were from? that's right, the commonwealth of kentucky. our drill instructors thought that was a freakin' hoot. they also asked us if the boots we were issued was our first pair of shoes.

let's fast forward almost 30 years. beed was able to use his electronics training in the marine corps to a great job as an electronics technician. around the spring of 2003 beed's plant manager axed him if he would like to train in one of the management jobs in our facility. it is basically the numma two man in the company, the plant manager's right hand man. the man that was in the job was going to retire in october.

beed said "shua, but wouldn't that give me an unfair advantage in getting that job when it opened up" the plant manager gives beed one of those how big of a dumbass can you be at times looks and says "yeah....and?" "ooooooohh, you want me to get the job" beed thinks. okay.

anyhoo, the job still has a technical side to it as beed is responsible for co-ordinating any new installs of technology and making sure any new program our organization is rolling out is rolled out smoothly here.

another part of it is working with spreadsheets. beed had never made a spreadsheet before he started training for this job. hell, he was lucky if he knew how to open one. anyhoo, he's been in the job for almost 2 and a half years now and has become our resident excel guru. the best one he's ever made was to be able to spread our budget this year. it has at least 20 worksheets in it that are all pulling data from other sheets and even other files.

excel is cool as shit in it's almost limitless in what you can do with it. beed's plant manager said he was worried a bit about beed being able to spread the budget this year but when he saw that spreadsheet he knew that beed had arrived, that he was too legit to quit. anyhoo, beed got to thinking yesterday, "man, i haven't built a spreadsheet in awhile" beed was wanting to build one but had absolutely no reason to.

until this morning. beed's plant manager came down the hall and said "coach (everyone calls me coach around here, at least to my face.....they probably call me asshole behind my back, i know i would, i would probably add arrogant prick too) i hate to pile more on you but i really need a spreadsheet so the run shift supervisors can give me a daily condition report."

beed tells him "hell, that don't bother me, i've been itchin' to build one anyway" it only took beed about an hour and that motherf'er is a work of art. beed built all kinds of conditional formatting into it. conditional formatting for someone that is not an excel dweeb like beed is when you make a cell display differently depending on the data in it. por ejemplo (for example) if the contents of the cell is less than 49.5% it will display in a bold red font but if it is equal to or greater than 49.5% it will display in a bold blue italicized font. now how cool is that shit?

beed has to run, he heard that office depot had a new supply of pocket protectors and beed wants to make sure he is able to pick up some new really fly ones.

your office geek,

dahdweeb.