ctrl/c....ctrl/v.....ctrl/x....ctrl/k.....old school beed

when it comes to using different applications beed is as old school as you can get. he doesn't know why he is this way but he just is.

beed would stick an icepick in his eyeballs before he would right click or click on edit and use the pulldown command for copy or paste or insert hyperlink or cut.

beed's boss told him that he wanted beed and his das (directory analysis specialist) to make some new sortplans for our flat sorter. first off, a flat sorter is a very large machine that is used for sorting what we call flats and what you would call magazines or catalogues or large envelopes. it was made by lockheed-martin but was originally designed by some sadistic german engineers. why sadistic? cuz it is a mother-f'er to work on. fortunately for beed he no longer works on them, just makes sortplans for them.

a sortplan is a software download to a machine that tells the machine which bin to put the mailpiece in. beed had not made one for this piece of equipment in quite some time and was gonna let his das do them. but then beed's boss came in his office and said, you better get to work on those sortplans surf-boy (of course beed was jacking around on the net). beed countered that greg usually does the ones on the fsm. he told beed he better not put it all off on greg.

it was good too since it made beed work on that particular type again and let him remember how to build one. what we do though is lay it out on an excel spreadsheet first and then we use that printout to go in and construct the sortplan in the sortplan building software.

greg had laid his out in a spreadsheet but he wanted to know if beed could clean it all up for him. bein' an excel geek, beed got right to work on it. it basically involved moving a bunch of cells down and filling up all the open cells with the data from the cells above. and there were enough gaps that you couldn't just highlight the range of cells and drag them all down.

so bein' old school, with his mouse beed would click on the cell he was moving. with his left pinkie finger he held down the control key and with his left index finger he would strike the x or v alternately. ctrl/x for cut and ctrl/v for paste. in a matter of a couple minutes beed had the spreadsheet exactly like greg needed it.

you would not believe how quick beed can copy and paste or cut and paste using the ctrl key and whatever combination he needs. but it drives some of beed's friends nuts. they see him do this and they say, "why don't you just right click on your mouse and use the commands?"

beed always replies the same way miguelito used to when we told him he had his shoes on the wrong feet "because i like 'em like that". actually beed says "i like using the combinations, why don't you learn to do it that way".

they always tell beed "because the right click is easier". so solly, not for a twisted mofo like dahbeed. same thing with autocad. beed never uses the icon or the pulldown. beed types the shortcut command and hits enter.

beed is gonna run. there is more painting and trimwork to do at the casa and it's rare when beed is motivated enough to do work on the house. gotta strike while the iron is hot.

btw, is anyone else as quirky as beed when it comes to these types of things? is beed alone in his lunacy? that f'in beed, he's got more tics that a timex watch.

your buddy,

the obsessive/compulsive-anal retentive,

dahbeed.

fresh paint....how sweet it is!

beed's idiot son whilst throwing a fit slammed his shoulder into the wall coming from the basement to the upstairs. it made a pretty big depression into the wall and gave beed many opportunities to play the guilt card on his son.

so the last couple of weeks beed has been a spacklin' fool. he finally got it to the point that the wall wuz ready for paint. so yesterday beed stopped off at the pittsburgh paints store and bought some new white paint fo' the basement.

beed has found out that items to work on the house are not items you can scrimp money on. advice to beed's friends. spend the extra money on things for the casa. quality definitely rules over quantity in that situation.

so the past two days beed has been doing some painting in the basement. holy shiznit! fresh paint makes such a big difference it ain't funny. plus it smells so good at the end of the day. it takes longer to tape everything off than it does to actually paint it.

beed has been a non-contributor on his casa for the last few years. he has always felt that he will have forever to work on the casa but will only have one chance to spend with his two boys. and beed is right on that one. but beed is no longer coaching so he needs to get off his ass and start fixin' shit around the house that need to be fixed.

and the painting and spackling of the basement family room is just the start. beed is feelin' a powerful urge to start fixin' stuff in the casa that needs it.

of course beed's esposa has no idear that there are many men that can't do all that the beedster can do to work on a casa. she definitely takes it for granted. but beed don't give a shyatt. if he can do sumpin' without payin' some other mug to do it he will hold out and do it himself.

damn, that paint smells......and looks good. beed is so proud of himself. after you finish a job like that it is hard to not keep going back and looking at how good it looks.

your buddy,

the casa fixer,

dahbeed.

Proof that God exists. Basketball style.

there are actually a few folks that beed suspects read his inanity and insanity that don't read hilltopper haven. he bases it on the fact of where they come from. so beed is going to copy and paste some of his idiocy that he posted on hilltopper haven today.

Proof That God Exists

Bradley Joseph: The Washington Post

Monday, March 27, 2006

Scholars have debated for centuries if there in fact is a God. Benedictine monks say that events that took place this weekend prove that there is in fact some type of deity in charge of all of mans moves. “At least we believe he is a basketball fan, obvious by events that took place concerning the final four” says Father William George MacCloskey.

“Father Van Eaton and I have this debate every year” adds MacCloskey. “As in all aspects of our lives college basketball ultimately is another example of Good versus Evil. In this years tournament, we feel that perhaps some supernatural events unfolded that can only be explained by a greater being such as God”

The fact that no number one seeds, in the roles of Evil, made the final four and an upstart George Mason, in the role of Good did make it seems to support at least anecdotally that there is a higher power.

“We like to believe that we are in control of our own destinies, when in fact nothing could be further from the truth” noted behavioral scientist David Kirkwood stated. “Look at all of the advantages that the BCS schools had in this tourney. They got higher seeds, they are fawned over by the media, they are allowed to blatantly cheat and complain about where a game is being played. But when the dust settled from this weekend, not one of the basketball equivalent of the axis of evil, the University of Kentucky, the University of Connecticut nor Duke made the final four” adds Kirkwood.

Fans interviewed in The Verizon Center following the game said it has been a long time coming. Trace Carter, a George Mason Patriots fan said “With all of the superstars jumping to the NBA over the last several years it has allowed us smaller schools to put together some teams that are not that far off in talent from the BCS schools” Carter also noted that the reason why everyone views these games as upsets is because the BCS schools never play the smaller schools away from home.

“The BCS schools have the money to play all of their out of conference games at home. This gives them a feeling of invincibility that is shattered when they have to play on even a neutral floor” Carter added that statement while being escorted from the Verizon Center by District of Columbia police. After initially running onto the floor and celebrating with other Patriot fans Mr. Carter was observed chasing CBS Analyst Billy Packer. When Mr. Carter caught Mr. Packer, he allegedly shoved a CBS microphone up Mr. Packer’s rectum.

Strangely enough, Mr. Packer refused to press charges claiming “I just want Mr. Carter’s phone number, can anyone get me his number?” Co-host Jim Nantz supposedly was overheard saying “Me next, me next!!” while jumping up and down and clapping his hands like a trained seal.

Events this weekend also destroyed many office basketball pools. At a Bethesda Maryland doctor’s office there was only one person in the pool that had all 4 teams of the final four picked correctly. “Everyone else used fancy indicators like the RPI and Sagarin Ratings but that is not how I picked them” shares proctologist, Dr. Tommy Hogan while pulling on some latex gloves. “I have a pet monkey named Ryan, when he gets excited he does one of two things, he either services himself or he flings poo. I thought what the heck so I put a large bracket on the wall of his bedroom and everytime he would fling his poo on the bracket I would write that team down as the winner”

Though not a scientific method, it has Dr. Hogan in the lead to win the office pool. “I deserve this” says Dr. Hogan while spreading lubricant on his latex gloves. “Just think about what I do all day for a living? I mean REALLY think about it. Who wants my job? Right now I have to get ready to meet a new patient that has somehow managed to insert a microphone into his rectum” “I see some strange things in this job but that is a first for me”

bills, beed f'in hates payin' em.

beed took yesterday off from work. he had the late staff meeting on thursday night and he put in for one day of annual leave. the safety meeting that met before the staff meeting went long so beed sent out all of his reports that he would have sent out friday morning around 11:30 thursday night. thus, his desktop was clean and nobody had to pick up his slack on friday.

so what did beed do with his day off? worked on f'in bills. isn't that a special way to burn up a vacation day? some background. beed has been payin' the bills since he was 17 years old. some guys get to turn that task over to their esposa when they get married. not beed. his esposa refused to do it and now it's too late to turn it over.

and beed is so f'in burned out on it he is late paying some bills out of sheer laziness. the money is in the bank to cover them. it's just the act of sitting down with checkbook and stamps in hand that drives beed nuts. yes, he realizes if this is the worst thing he has to complain about he is a truly blessed person. beed knows that. he is just 'splainin' how he spent a WHOLE day messin' with bills.

beed used to put them in this leather black briefcase and take them to work with him and say. after 3:30 i'm gonna work on these here and take care of them. did he ever do that? hell no. he would pay bills after he would get a second notice. the money was there. it was just laziness. pure unadulterated laziness.

and beed used to keep files on every bill. utilities go in this file, phone bills in this one, credit card statement in this one, bank statements in their own file. but beed got lazy about this too. he just let paid off bills languish in his briefcase. then the briefcase got full. not to worry. don't clean it out. just get some plastic kroger bags and start carrying them around too. become the male equivalent of a bag lady. beed guesses his next step would have been swiping a grocery cart from kroger and use it to pack around his briefcase and kroger bags.

each bag had something different too. one bag was nothing but receipts. beed is paranoid about this. after a receipt has cleared the bank, beed will shred it with his cross-cut shredder. but beed hadn't used the shredder in almost a year. do you realize how many f'in receipts one can accumulate in a year? trust beed, he didn't count them but it sho' is a bunch.

another thing that beed shreds is any offer for a new credit card. beed don't want some shyster goin' through the county dump and finding offers for credit cards and sending them in under beed's name. beed is sorry if he's scaring ya'll with his paranoia but he's just read too many articles on identity theft.

do ya'll have any idea how many credit card offers beed got in one year. again beed didn't count them but he did shred hundreds of them yesterday. beed filled up two huge bags with shredded paper yesterday. he did this whilst watching two movies. the first one was "braveheart". beed knows he watched it just cuz he is reading the book "born fighting, how the scots-irish shaped america".

beed had forgot how phenomenal that movie was. and bein' a lover of womans it had two absolutely gorgeous women in it. william wallace's wife, murron macclannough, that was killed by the english lord was played by catherine mccormack. just beautiful and a great job with her role. here she is.

the other beautiful woman that actually made dahbeed's heart flutter was sophie marceau, sorry folks, beautiful women have this effect on beed. he's just probably the only person stupid enough to admit it on the internet. she played princess isabelle and has one of the most elegant beautiful necks that beed has ever seen. beed warned ya'll he was a freak. here she is:

she also has a very sexy underbite. it's just slight but it is perfect. but dammit beed is ramblin' again. it was a great movie when beed watched it the first time and beed has enjoyed watching it every time since then.

the second movie beed watched whilst manning the shredder was "snatch" a wonderful piece directed by guy ritchie that jumps all over the damn place. it's got benicio del toro who is one of beed's favorite actors. you can't get any cooler than he was in "traffic". it has an absolutely cut brad pitt in it. ladies, if beed wuz gay, he would be writing odes to brad pitt instead of sophie marceau. plus he was covered in tats in his role as a pikey (english gypsy) "i f'in ate pikeys" must have been said by at least 5 of the characters. and the ate is not ate, it's hate, but that is how they said it in the movie.

beed has enjoyed the shit out of that movie. he went back and rented "lock, stock, and two smoking barrels" after watching snatch. it was guy ritchie's first movie beed believes. tho' it is very similar to "snatch" in that it has a huge cast, some of the same folks from "snatch" and it jumps all over the damn place beed just didn't think it was as good.

then beed ended up watching the games last night whilst still shredding and sorting out bills to file. beed got the job 90% done. he got all of the shredding done. he got all of the sorting done. today he has to pay a few bills and send them off.

one day beed will get off of his lazy ass and get all of his bills to be paid automatically. he already has his insurance and cell phone bills on auto-draft. he needs to get the utilities set up on it as well as the cable. then beed can just open the letter saying the bill has been paid and file it away. beed is no longer a bag lady folks. he has shed himself of his bags and the briefcase can be used once again in a normal manner. aren't ya'll proud of beed? been payin' the bills for 29 years and there is no end in sight. but he was very productive on his off day yesterday.

the shredmeister,

cross-cut dahbeed.

useless, but interesting to beed, statistics

for the 3 or 4 loyal readers that beed has you guys already know about statcounters as you have them on your blogs also.

for the folks that don't have a blog beed is gonna 'splain 'em to ya'. about a week after dahbeed started his blog, he got the idea that, "why don't i put one of those counter thingys on my blog so i'll know how many folks have visited it?"

so he googled (beed still contends that sounds like a sexual position....i.e. "oh hell yeah man, then i googled the livin' hell out of her!") the phrase webpage counter. being the good little researcher he is beed looked at several different sites that offered free counters. but beed didn't want one that made you include an ad for something like hemorroid ointment. and with a lot of them you do have to place an ad with them.

beed also didn't want some big honkin' flashing neon lights of vegas looking counter either. he wanted a small unobtrusive odometer style counter that would match the look of his blog page. ambiance is everything and beed wants your visit to his page to be a pleasant experience.....a visit to barnes and noble for a good read with some strong black coffee and some heated scones.

he finally found the one he wanted. it's from a place called statcounter dot com. there is a link for it on beed's blog. beed named the link is "a great website counter" (beed didn't exactly bust out the imagination sledgehammer on that one did he?) what beed didn't realize is that these little jobbers do a lot more than just count. they compile statistics too.

like what website the person just came from. what city and state they live in. their internet service provider. their i.p. address. how many times they have been there before. whether they wipe their ass with their left hand or right hand. well, beed just made up that last one but it would be cool as hell if it could tell you that.

beed's number of visits per day have slowly been increasing. one time beed mentioned his blog on a h.h. post and he had 167 visits that day but beed refuses to do that type of self promotion again so that number was definitely an aberration. if they can't figure out that "the village idiot done went global" with a line under it that turns your cursor into a finger is a link then beed ain't gonna beg them to look at his site. as beed's friend shunpiker says (he is brilliant by the way, he and beed do a vulcan mind meld at halftime of every game, it actually dims the lights in diddle arenar) "they're probably mouth breathers anyway".

here are the stats for visits per day. this is the average over the last month.

monday - 36
tuesday - 50
wednesday - 43
thursday - 54
friday - 41
saturday - 35
sunday - 29

what do these stats tell you? here's what they tell beed. look at the two lowest days, saturday and sunday. so that means a bunch of folks, oops beed means SLACKERS are surfing at work. get back to work you bunch of slackers or beed is gonna tell ya'lls boss. for the love of God, help raise american productivity.

beed did not use this weeks numbers as they have been climbing and beed promises he ain't dropped no hints on haven about his blog. he had 83 on tuesday, 63 on wednesday and has 45 today and it's 10 after 5 right now.

beed has some regular readers from greenville south cackalacky that seem to check in every day. some other regulars that check in almost daily hail from richmond califonia, reston virginia, atlanta georgia, and parker colorado. pretty eclectic mix, huh? most of his readers logically come from kentucky and tennessee as they prolly know beed from hilltopper haven and where do most western grads live, kentucky and tennessee.

for all of you regular readers and out of staters. drop beed a line in the comments section sometime and tell beed how you stumbled across his daily dose of idiocy.

oh, and lilliot mi hermanita (little sistah), you ain't the only one that is worldwide baby. beed has had visits from germany, canada (do they count?) and portugal. and there is one person that has landed on beed's casa the last two sundays from leeds england. beed can just picture some guy in a tweed blazer and a meerschaum pipe exclaiming "tally ho good man, i believe i'll see what that crazy bloke from across the pond has to say this fine sunday evening"

that's better than the guy from portugal. beed clicked on the referring link and there wasn't one word on the blog. but...........there was a cache of porn. it seemed that his purpose in life was to post one photo per day from some porn bonanza he had stumbled across. it wasn't really anything deviant (unless you can count a slight leaning towards doggy style as deviant and beed doesn't).

it was really funny. not one word. beed thought a blog was supposed to be someone's web log. a definition from dictionary dot com:

Main Entry:
blog
Part of Speech: noun
Definition: an online diary; a personal chronological log of thoughts published on a Web page; also called Weblog, Web log
Example: Typically updated daily, blogs often reflect the personality of the author.
Etymology: shortened form of Weblog
Usage: blog, blogged, blogging v, blogger n


maybe this guy doesn't know how to spell or write. maybe his only form of communication is porn. when he wants his mother to bring him a glass of milk he breaks out a shot of some hot little vixen that is rather well endowed in the mammary glands portion of her body.

when he wants hot dogs for supper he breaks out........errrrrrr let's not go there beed. that visual is a bit much don't you think? that's almost as bad as the time beed said taking a good morning growler (beed tells his co-workers, hey i just delivered a baby down the hall) is an honorable way of releasing endorphins. one of beed's co-workers use to tell him "carter, the most overrated thing in the world is a piece of ass and the most underrated thing is the world is a good old country shit!"

now beed ain't sayin' he goes along with this line of thinking but it did give beed pause for thought.

the reason the stat counter is free is because their log is only for the last 100 visits. if you want a larger log then you have to pay a monthly service fee. beed is content with a log size of 100. when you install it you have an option in setup to exclude your ip addresses which beed did at both home and work so that number on the counter does not include any of the beedstahs visits to see if any of his homies have left him a message in the comments section.

there are about 4 or 5 of us that have most definitely turned into a mutual admiration society. we bounce back and forth from each other's blogs leaving comments. maybe we can call ourselves "the breakfast club" beed has dibs on the judd nelson character condray, that leaves you with emilio estevez or anthony michael hall. valerie, shari, and riovanya have to slug it out over who gets the molly ringwald and ally sheedy characters.

beed has all of their blog links on his site and checks them every day. shari gets beed's vote for best mommy in the world, and he ain't shittin' about that, he means it. riovanya definitely is an artist. condray has stranger dreams than dahbeed and then tells everyone about it! riovanya's sister, lilliot, is so freakin' good with the written word she has left beed in awe more than once. she also has 2 of the most adorable kids in the world.

she has caused the beedstah to get a little verklempt (talk amongst yourselves, i'll give you a topic, the progressive era was neither progressive nor an era.) when she has spoke about her little man learning how to walk. it took beed back to when his two boys were learning to walk and how excited the grownups would get and how big the smiles were on the boys that they were now mobile.

damn beed can ramble. gotta go folks. it's 6 o clock. beed has to come back in at 11:00 tonight for a staff meeting. that way all 3 shifts will be represented during tour turnover. beed don't really like it at all but he ain't the boss, he does what the boss tells him to do.

adios amigos,

the statman,

dahbeed

ice.....where in the hell is the ice!!!!

it's late and i'm tired so beed is gonna drop the 3rd person schtick. i shouldn't be on this computer. i should be upstairs icing my left ear down. why? well, let me tell you a little bit about my job.

my title is operations support specialist. i only have two people under me. one is another manager and his title is directory analysis specialist (DAS). i also have one craft employee under me. i always said this is the only management job i'd put in for cuz i only have to manage two people and put up with their petty shit.

anyhoo, i got the job in october of 2003. one thing my predecessor did for me was tell me the phone numbers of two ladies that could help me with any problem i ran into. both of them were DAS's. one in paducah ky. and the other in evansville in. i had both of them on speed dial and that is the God's honest truth.

anytime i ran across something i didn't know how to do i would call one of them and they were always patient with me and taught me how to do what i needed to do. i always typed out how to do it and put it in a binder so if it was something i wouln't need to do for another six months, i would be able to resource my binder and know how to do it.

anyhoo, both of those ladies have moved on. one has become the plant manager of paducah and the lady from evansville has retired. so now, i have went from the novice to the expert. their replacements call me daily with querstions on how to do this or that. and i honestly don't mind. hell, their predecessors helped me when i needed it, the least i can do is help their replacements.

so, the lady that replaced the one in evansville wanted to come to b.g. and train under our tutelage. she arrived this a.m. and spent the first half of the day with our DAS, gregg. she wore him out and then i had her for the second half of the day. she is one of those people that NEVER stops talking.....hence the icing down my ear statement. and i was rude enough to interrupt her when she was on a roll.

i had printed out how to do several procedures that she would need to be able to do. i covered all of them with her. but for the love of God.......she never shuts the f' up. she is a good person and i think she will do a good job filling the position but heyzeus cristo on a popsicle stick...can you stop running your cakehole for just a minute?

she is going to be with us for one more day, and i promise i will train her to the best of my abilities......but shit. where did i leave my earplugs? i'll need them tomorrow.

tomorrow i hope to have a post on the numbers of people that visit my idiocy and where they come from. that is what i meant to speak on today but i got sidetracked by sir speakalot.

your boy,

icing down his ear,

dahbeed.

it's not my fault.....really

well, beed tried to upload an image of the latest book he has been reading but for whatever reason blogspot doesn't like to load images from beed's work computer. it has worked in the past but not the last couple times. oh well, what's an idiot to do?

this post is going to tie into the genetics that beed posted about in his last dissertation. btw, isn't miguelito one good looking little boy? beed's great-grandmother told him a saying one time "every crow thinks theirs (offspring) are the blackest" kinda like beed thinking his son is so handsome. but this will be more in the generalities of genetics instead of specifics.

some background. beed is truly a mutt. from stories and some researched geneology, here is beed's makeup, his bloodline:

maternal grandfather: french, indian, scots-irish
maternal grandmother: scots-irish, english
paternal grandfather: indian, scots-irish
maternal grandmother: swedish

first question for the class. what is the dominant bloodline in dahbeed? errrrr maybe scots-irish beed....... ding ding ding, we have a winnah.

btw, beed's maternal great-grandmother ethel cherry eadens was first cousin to henry hardin and thomas crittenden cherry. h.h. started the greatest university in america and t.c. had an elementary school named after him....which beed attended for 7 years.

beed's mother enrolled him at t.c. cherry elementary when he was 5 years old. he would turn 6 in october. but she enrolled him in first grade, not kindergarten. the schoolwork was no problem. mrs bowman (she wore a big class ring and would turn it upside down and hit you in the back of your head for even the slightest transgression) taught a mixed class of first and second graders. like beed said, the classwork was no problem, midway through the year beed had been moved to the second grade side of the room and was doing second grade homework.

the problem was that beed was the youngest kid in his class. now beed is an average size guy, 5'11 and 165 pounds. actually that's above average as beed read somewhere that the average american male is 5'9. but beed was always either the smallest or next to smallest kid in the class. and bullies don't pick on the bigger kids in the class. they always target the small.

but in dahbeed they soon found out that they had targeted the wrong small kid. no matter what size they were beed would go to hook city in a minute. beed don't ever remember losing a fight as a kid. he would say there might have been some draws but it usually ended up with a smaller dahbeed atop a much larger bully pounding his face repeatedly with his fists.

they had no way of knowing how dahbeed had grown up his first five years. if ya'll have read in the past you know that dahbeed has a cousin named lonnie that was a couple months younger than him and we were inseparable. lonnie was the son of beed's uncle jack, beed's dad's older brother.

beed's dad had a best friend named buster henry. buster had a son that was a couple months younger than dahbeed named johnny, yes, his name was john henry. anyhoo he was also around little beed on a daily basis and also a good friend.

this is in a very redneck area at the time. winter park florida, the outskirts of orlando, in the early 60's, before disney world was even a dream to locate there. native floridians are a rough lot. beed has equated florida back then as georgia with beaches. in other words, very redneck.

it was a very macho society, much drinking and if your woman got out of line you popped her. buster did that to his fiery red haired wife one time and got drunk and passed out and awoke to her beating the hell out of him with an old iron skillet. think that didn't give buster some pause the next time he thought she needed a pop.

beed's dad, beed's uncle jack and buster were always arguing on which one of their boys was the toughest. so their solution to find out was to purchase some boxing gloves. each respective father gave their son pugilism lessons. trust beed, these boxing matches were not exactly displays of the sweet science. these were three year olds wading in swinging haymakers on each other.

yes, beed knows how barbaric that sounds, making 3 year old friends pound on each other. beed's father actually used to tell him that if he let lonnie or johnny beat him that he would get an ass-whipping from him. according to dahbeed's father, he never lost a fight to either one of his playmates. not because he was any larger but that 'beed fought with a fury unmatched by the other two.

back to the book. the title is "born fighting: how the scots-irish shaped america. but it doesn't start out with the scots-irish role in america. it burrows deeply into scottish history. most of you have seen the movie "braveheart" about scotland's william wallace and his resoluteness to not bow his knee to england. james webb, the author of the book covers that period but he also goes further back than that and tells how the scots never let england rule them.

they were born fighters and then it was pounded into them at an early age that they would be fighters for their entire lives. beed is just now to the part where a mass immigration of the scots-irish was actually encouraged by the land holding english ruling class of early america. why? because the english knew what a ferocious breed of man that the scots were first hand.

they promised the scots-irish cheap rents if they would establish themselves in the mountains that make up the appalachian trail. they wanted to use them as a line of defense against the native americans that were increasingly raiding farms. and the scots-irish were very successful at repelling these attacks.

that's as far as beed has got in this book. but james webb has pointed out that scots-irish have been disproportionately represented in every war that america has fought in. the confederate army was almost entirely made up of scots-irish and the northern army was made up of a majority of scots-irish.

they were a key to our win in the revolutionary war. a hessian captain wrote in 1778, "call this war by whatever name you may, only call it not an american rebellion; it is nothing more or less than a scotch irish presbytarian rebellion"

even as late as the vietnam war they fought our wars for us. there were more west virginians that died in vietnam than from all of new york. the scots-irish are the first to volunteer to defend their country.

to close out this book that beed has written. beed always attributed his fighting spirit due to the early fights his father made him combat in. but now beed knows that he has no choice in the matter. he has too much scots-irish blood flowing through his veins to be anything but what he is.

so the next time you are in the hilltopper haven chatroom and you see beed let off a string of epithets that are unfit for mixed company directed at someone in the chatroom that is getting out of line. don't just shake your head. add "god bless beed, it ain't his fault, he can't help what he is"

yours truly,

the fighting scotsman,

dahbeed wallace.

genetics.....they fascinate beed

beed is so f'in pissed right now he could eat nails. he just finished typing out a story and then hit the wrong button and now has to start from scratch. screw it. he is gonna leave half of it out now.

when beed's brother died his no account wife (beed's opinion) told beed that bryant had some photos of his family and did beed want them. errrr, you win the no shit award today. yes beed wanted them.

when beed's youngest boy michael was a toddler we were all arguing who he looked like. the esposa's family thought her (serious drug usage to believe that). beed argued him. beed's mother entered into the fray and said he doesn't look like either of you, he looks like your uncle robbie did as a little boy.

you know how you can sometimes dismiss your moms with a "yeah right mom, thanks for the input" anyhoo, beed was going through bryant's photos and stumbled across one of his uncle robbie when he was around 8 years old at lake weston elementary school in orlando florida. beed picked up the phone and called his mom and apologized immediately. it was uncanny how much they freakin' looked alike.

some facts. robbie is around 6'4 and very big boned. michael's pediatrician told us after his last physical that mike should end up at least 6'2 and wouldn't be surprised to see him hit 6'4. mike is very big boned. robbie is the 3rd boy in his family. tho' mike is the 2nd boy, we lost a boy to miscarriage between david and michael so he is actually beed's 3rd boy.

beed's younger brother robert (named after his uncle) is around 6'1 and very big boned. his wrist is twice the size of beed's. robert was the 3rd boy in beed's family. could this all be coincidence? sure but it looks like a pattern to beed.

uncle robbie, robert and michael are all gregarious characters. but truth be told all carter men are gregarious creatures. we just like to have fun and pick at people. it's definitely a male carter personality trait.

look at the photos of robbie and michael. look at their brows and noses and smiles. pretty close huh? robbie's ears stick out a little more but they could pass for brothers instead of great nephew and great uncle. both of them actually had a lazy left eye. not terrible but they both do have a little drift to them. how uncanny is that shit.

beed did some research and it said an uncle and nephew will share 25% of the same genes. well them sumbitches must have taken the express train from beed's uncle to beed's son.

beed is amazed by dna and genetics. how so many things can be coded into them. what a wonderful thing this thing called life is, no? dahbeed sees minor miracles every day in little things like this.

so beed is gonna let ya'll be the jury in the comments section. what do you guys think about the resemblance between beed's uncle and beed's youngest son? uncanny, no? beed better not lose this sumbitch again or he will end up in the hospital for punching a monitor.

your genetically coded friend,

the boy from brazil (wonder how many will get that one)

dahbeed retrac (in honor of uncle robbie who used to speak whole sentances backwards)

cowboy boots......and sand roads

whilst visiting "my friend's blog" who goes by the name, riovanya, beed fell in love with some old black and white photos she had. it inspired beed to dig some of his out and he hopes you enjoy a glimpse into "dahbeed, the early years (decades ago)"

this one is obviously taken at christmas and beed be sportin' some new cowboy boots. they are the only pair that beed has ever owned as beed has had no desire to wear them as a grownup. not even after seein' john travolta in "urban cowboy".



this is a shot of beed's momma apparently very happy to have a fat young son named dahbeed. now ya'll know why beed is so hot, his momma was definitely a looker!

here is beed crawlin' on a blanket with nuttin' on but a diaper. any of ya'll think moms put sunblock on beed back in 1960 under the full blazin' florida sun. me neither. my first carcinoma will be dedicated to you moms. j/k, people actually thought the sun was healthy back then.

beed and his cousin lonnie, at christmas. beed loved lonnie to death. we were about 3 months apart with beed bein' the oldest. when beed's parents divorced when he was 5 he didn't miss his dad....he missed lonnie. we had spent every day together for the first 5 years of our lives.

beed and his hermanito (little brother) bryant. he was 18 months younger than the beedstah. he's the one that died from malignant melanoma. beed still misses him and it's been 10 years now.

beed and his hermanito part deaux......what the hell was up with moms and her predisposition to stick a bow tie on beed.

the man in the middle is beed's paternal grandfather, george lonnie carter, to his left is his sister maggie, to his right is his wife mary lee farmer carter, in front is beed's aunt judy. grandma carter used to tell me that grandpa carter was 1/4 indian. no empirical proof of it but with his dark skin and jet black hair til the day he died there's good anecdotal evidence. grandma was of swedish descent. when they arrived in the country the customs agent asked what they did, they replied farm, the customs agent then replied, "your new last name is farmer"! she was the source of all the blonde hair and blue eyes in the carter clan.

my maternal grandfather, roscoe lamastus. also rumored to be much indian and french. same jet black hair til the day he died. how in the hell beed had two grandfathers with heads full of hair into their death and beed ended up a cue ball is beyond him. grandpa lamastus always dressed up like a pimp. check out the lion's face in his tie. also where beed got his high cheekbones.

beed was his first grandson. he told beed's grandmother he was going to the store and ended up getting drunk and somehow ended up on a train to orlando florida to see his first grandson. beed's momma tells him the first thing grandpa did was count beed's toes and fingers. don't know why, beed's mom and dad weren't first cousins, he might as well have checked beed for a tail.

beed's maternal grandfather and grandmother on their official visit to see beed and his little brother, not a get drunk and jump on a train trip, a planned one.

four cousins that loved the shit out of each other, from left to right. lonnie, dahbeed, bryant, and mark, lonnie's younger brother, tho' larger. mark who had the nickname muggles made the mistake of thinkin' he could take beed on a summer visit one year. beed beat the shit out of him and lonnie didn't jump in. said muggles had it comin'. that road is no longer sand, and those fields are no longer empty....houses as far as the eye can see. davisson avenue, winter park florida, suburb of greater orlando.

beed loves this photo. 4 youngsters at daytona beach with not a care in the world. from left to right, lareda (love that name), beed's moms, toad (actually on the back of the photo, don't know his real name, moms would) and mary kay. the lady who married beed's uncle jack. jack died a few years ago and mary kay axed beed and his brother to be pall bearers. we visited her last summer and she is still not over it.

this is not that old of a photo, circa 1982, beed just wanted to prove that at one point in his life HE DID HAVE HAIR!!!!! how about that british iron there? it was a norton 850 commando and ran like a bat out of hell.....when it was running....it was british and temperamental as hell. beed punched a dent in the gas tank one time after trying to kick it over around 100 times (no electric start and big honkin' pistons) and it finally backfired and almost broke beed's ankle. had to look at that damn dent and be reminded of how stupid he was all summer long.

my computer is down

at the casa. beed hurled many, many cusswords at it last night. beed has requested that his oldest son come to the house to troubleshoot it for him. so there may be no additions to the beedblog this weekend.

if he can get it working again he might try to put a little something together.

there was a post on hilltopper haven titled my name is earl. that's the show where earl is trying to fix his karma by righting all of the wrongs of his life. it caused everyone on hilltopper haven to step into the confessional. the following is what beed shared. all of them are true. for those of you that read haven, you might as well skip them as you've probably already read them.

1. the number of beatings, actual physical beatings that beed put on his 2 younger brothers cannot be counted the number is so high. beed was smart enough to know when to stop them as they got to a size and mean-ness that the risk/reward was too high to chance it.

2. beed and his brother shot a sparrow with our daisy b.b. gun and then cried about it when we saw it lying on the ground.

3. beed and best friend used to do donuts in the front yard of a house in briarwood. we did not know the person but they had such a manicured front yard it begged for it. we should have been shot.

4. when stationed in memphis beed went joyriding with an idiot from new jersey that had a ring of car keys with about 150 keys. we abused the hell out of that camaro. we should have been shot.

5. shoplifted some baseball cards from the ben franklin five and dime store when he was about 9 years old.

6. taught his brothers the joys of smoking cigarettes when they were 7 and 5 years old.

7. got into a drunken fight in the parking lot of a memphis pool hall…..with his best friend!

8. pocketed about ten rounds from the rifle range and used them to shoot up a stop sign with his m-16 on a rural road in jacksonville north carolina.

9. while driving from new york to bowling green, beed and another jarhead stopped at a toll booth in virginia. it was stopped up and honest people had continued throwing their change in it. we were almost out of money and helped ourselves to about 5 dollars worth of change……we still ran out of gas in nashville, had to sell some cassette tapes to a guy for the gas money to get home.

10. egged cars and ran the back alleys of bowling green on numerous occasions. once stole a fire extinguisher from a church bus and then sprayed it in the window of a house where a guy was working at his desk. his exact words were WHAT THE F***!!!

11. instructed a friend that the proper way to shoot a 12 guage shotgun was to hold the stock about two inches off your shoulder. he had never fired one. he shot it into the air and the recoil knocked him down.

12. watched a boy that lived down the street from us shove a kicking and screaming grasshopper up a dog’s butt and didn’t stop him from doing it. neither one of ‘em, the dog or the grasshopper enjoyed it very much.


basic, idiotic actions that beed would beat the livin’ crap out of his kids if he found out that they did them. a freakin’ 14th street heathern. it’s amazing that beed is such a nice guy now. actually beed was a pretty good kid but was easily led astray by bolder, wilder kids. he couldn’t say no. his teachers used to write it on his report cards. “dahbeed is a good boy but is too easily influenced by others”

and this was true. not trying to blame the others cuz beed DID ACTUALLY DO the bad things but they were usually not his idea. beed was always fascinated by the bad kid that wasn't afraid to do anything and would often follow them blindly into some hot shit. not too smart and beed fancies himself as somewhat of an intellectual, a white trash 14th street heathern intellectual but an intellectual none the less.

if beed don't get his computer fixed, yall have a great weekend.

your friend,

the heathern,

dahbeed.

the rawhide jerk......and other fine tales.

before political correctness invaded the workplace things were very different indeed. beed ain’t sayin’ some changes didn’t need to take place. of course there is no excuse for any type of sexual harassment or violence in the workplace.

beed is just sayin’ it used to be very, very different when he began his career at the p.o. and the antithesis to political correctness was a man named david lewis. he is no longer with us. he died of lupus several years ago. he died in fact within one year of retirement. beed was one of the few people that visited him on his deathbed.

he was the type of person you either loved or hated as he could not keep his mouth shut and would say anything to anybody. he used to call beed “boy carter” as to him beed was a boy. beed was only 22 when he started at the p.o. and lewis was probably in his young fourties at the time.

if you have virgin eyes you may want to click away from this blog as beed is going to share some of lewis’s stories and actions and some of them are r-rated if not x-rated. just makin’ a disclaimer here. let beed give you a description of the man so you can picture him.

he was around 5’9 and went no more than a buck fourty five soaking wet. he had absolutely no ass and his belt fought many a battle to keep his dungarees up.

he had a headfull of thick brown hair that he greased back in a fifties style hairdo. he had a huge droopy mustache that would have made jim croce jealous.

he had tattoos from one wrist to the other wrist. we’re not talkin’ some fine ink like dahbeed sports. he was a former sailor so lewis’s tats were of the variety that one would pick up in drunken ports of call. the one beed liked the best was the lady in a bikini on his forearm that he could make dance when he flexed his forearm muscles.

he spent 13 years in the navy and had the rank of e-3 when he got out. with 13 years most people would at least be an e-6 if not an e-7. but he told beed that he kept making rank but then they would bust him down because he couldn’t hold his tongue and would flap his gums back to his superiors.

he would hold court all night long telling stories from his navy days or recanting what he heard that someone said about him on another shift and how he was gonna get them back for sayin’ it. beed is gonna relay a couple of his navy stories for ya’ and this is where it gets x-rated so click away if you don’t wanna read it.

he told us that he spent a lot of time in the phillipine islands. he told us that u could pick up some trim over there for just a couple bucks a day. the best one he ever had asked him if he wanted to do the rawhide jerk.

he said he had never heard of it. she pulled out a piece of leather that had knots tied in it spaced about every half inch. she told him that she would insert this into his asshole and when he was ready to orgasm she would jerk it out and he would love it.

he told her that he would try anything once and agreed to it. just as he was about orgasm he told her to pull it. she did and he swore to this day that it was the best orgasm he ever had. needless to say, beed has nevah experienced the “rawhide jerk”.

now he would tell these stories full volume. at the time there were only two women working the graveyard shift but he never let that impede him at all as he thought they would be interested in his re-telling of the “rawhide jerk”. but like beed said, this was back in 82 and the workfloor rules were much more lax than they are today.

another story he loved telling over and over, again, involved a phillipine prostitute and it was just flat out gross. click away NOW if you have a weak stomach.

he had picked up a young prostitute at a subic bay bar where he had been drinking all night. he added that he was pretty lit up but being young he had no problem “rising to the occasion”.

he then told us as they had sex he kept sucking her breasts and kept thinking to himself there must be a baby in the apartment as she was lactating and he was getting mother’s milk.

when he woke up the next morning, sober, he looked around for the baby. it was then that he noticed that she was not lactating but in fact had a big boil on one of her breasts. oh my God. did beed really repeat that story? he told ya’ll it was gross and offered you a chance to click away from his blog but that dark secret side of you made you stay didn’t it?

if this happened to you would you tell all of your co-workers about it? beed wouldn’t either. but lewis was a character larger than life and beed loves characters. they keep life from being monotonous and dull. they are the jalapeno peppers of the human race.

lewis had a sidekick whose name was louis g. they worked side by side sorting mail every night. louis g. would amen and hallelujah all of lewis’s stories. he also had a trick that they would play on new employees.

shortly after beed started we were all gathered at the time clock and as usual lewis had something for the beedstah. he said “hey boy carter, have you seen louis g’s new belt buckle?”

beed had not so of course he looks down to inspect louis g’s new belt buckle but a new belt buckle was not what lewis and louis g had in mind for dahbeed. louis g had evidently felt impelled to share his manhood with dahbeed as poking out from the top of his trousers was the head of his dick.

and they would do this to any newbie so beed used to warn them, “hey, if lewis axes you to check out louis g’s new belt buckle, don’t look down”. with the rules that we have in place now, those two guys wouldn’t last one day without bein’ sent to the front office for discipline.

beed ain’t gonna say that lewis was a great person or good guy or any of the standard descriptions we give of people who have passed on. but beed will say that david lewis amused the hell out of him…..and ya’ll should know by now how much beed’s lunatic fringe brain craves amusement. so solly if this story was too racy for you but every word of it is the truth.

beed wishes he had tape recorded every one on david lewis’s stories as beed could write a book on them. but beed didn’t tape record them and those two stories are the ones indelibly stamped on beed’s brain….as they will be on yours now.

in honor of a character,

your friend,

dahbeed (not lewis)

congratulations....you've won a free trip!

to washington d.c.!!! beed did win a trip to d.c. one time and there were no strings attached to it either. ya'll sit back and prop your feet up and let the beedstah tell ya' a good one. and all of it is true.

back in 1992 the united states postal service became one of the united states olympic team's sponsors. beed don't know how much we shelled out for this privilege but it ended up giving beed a free trip to washington d.c. here is how.

ya'll know how any megalo-company is always trying to raise productivity? during beed's 24 and a half years with the usps beed has seen program after program rolled out trying to do this. does it ever work? beed honestly don't know. he never worked harder because of any of them. beed worked hard cuz he felt he was blessed with such a good job.

anyhoo, this program was called "Pride in Performance" and was tied into an olympic theme. here were the rules. one of your co-workers had to write you up for going above and beyond your routine work. they then sent it in to the district office in louisville.

nobody was ever turned down. if someone nominated you, you would receive a pin about the size of a quarter. at the top it said "olympic quality club" beneath that was the postal eagle logo. beneath that was the olympic rings logo and at the bottom it had "united states postal service".

the first pin they gave out was called a "bronze medal" not very original but keeping with our olympic theme. only one person had to nominate you for a bronze medal. so here is what beed and two friends did. we nominated each other. beed wrote sumpin' like "mr. plaster has gone well beyond the call of duty in his role as a maintenance support clerk. he always ensures we always have the spare parts needed to repair our equipment......blah, blah, blah".

at the beginning of each day everyone in maintenance gathers together for around 5 minutes and the supervisor would pass on any info that he thought needed to be disseminated. he would also use this time to recognize individuals. perhaps they had gone all year without using any sick leave.

beed and his buddies had completely forgotten about nominating each other. at the morning meeting, our supervisor called beed and his two buddies up front and presented each one of us with our "bronze medal". of course this causes a ruckus with the other guys throwing out lines like "how in the hell did you 3 dicksuckers get those awards" "this is bullshit" "ya'll are really special now that you have your bronze medals".

what it really boiled down to was drinkin' haterade on their parts. they had not been smart enough to do what we did and were jealous. we didn't really give a shit about the pins, it was just something to do. the fact that it irritated the shit out of our co-workers was icing on the cake.

for a silver medal one must have two people nominate you. we had this covered as beed and the wayner nominated tee. beed and tee nominated the wayner. tee and the wayner nominated beed. of course we told nobody and they all had forgotten that the cutoff date for nominations had passed.

so about a week later the three were called up front in the morning meeting and presented their silver medals. the catcalls were even worse "DICKSUCKERS, have you no shame, please get up off your knees you 3 kissasses". a maintenance department is a whole lot like the military. it is almost entirely made up of men. a lot ARE ex-military and carry on the tradition of really ranking on each other or busting chops, whatever you want to call it. we three took a bow and thanked them for their congratulations. we were loving the shit out of it. if you have been reading the beedster for any length of time you know he loves to stir shit and then kick back and enjoy the fallout. beed don't know why he's like this, he just is.

okay, ya'll follow how this works so you realize that the trio of shit-stirrers are going to need a 4th co-conspirator to get the ultimate.....the gold medal. we propositioned several of our union brothers but nobody wanted to go along with us. they all wanted us to fail in our quest for gold. but we finally talked charlie into going along with us. he works in the same office as the wayner and the wayner finally wore him down.

we told nobody. everyone thought we were going to fail in our quest. imagine the catcalls when the 4 of us were called up front to receive our GOLD MEDALS. imagine the shit charlie had to take for enabling us. they were killin' us all but they were being especially brutal with charlie. charlie had in essence, crossed the picket line and became a scab. it was all in good fun really. it's just a bunch of guys bustin' each others chops.

anyhoo, we had no idea what happened next was going to happen. about a month after receiving our gold medals our plant manager had his secretary page everyone on day shift to a certain area. we were all like "what's up and what are these suits doing down here from louavulle?" we were all stunned when the suit from louavulle starts reading this proclamation about how successful the "pride in performance" program had been. he read off stats of how many people received each type of medal.

he then said that all gold medal winners had been put in a bingo type barrel, been spun around and then had two names drawn out. guess who one of the two was? that's right, dahbeed "mr. ain't nevah won a damn thing in his life" carter. all beed's homies were hootin' and hollerin'. they took a photo of beed receiving the paperwork on it for the district newsletter.

it was an all expense paid trip to washington d.c. for two. at the time the esposa was 8 months pregger with miguelito. remember this, miguelito was 10 pounds and 4 ounces at birth. so the esposa wuz big time swoll up when we went. and d.c. is hot and humid as hell in july. but it was still a good trip.

things beed got to see: special white house tour. several of the smithsonian museums and one of his highlights, the united states marine corps silent drill team. the silent drill team is probably the best drill team in the world. they perform several very complicated marches and much throwing of their rifles in the air. and all of this is done without one command given. that's why they call it the silent drill team. it is truly an awesome display.

here's where one of those cool things that sometimes happen to beed happened. beed and the esposa are sitting in our reserved seat, best ones at the place. we're waiting for it to start. it's a beautiful summer evening as the heat has finally dissipated. beed's lookin' through the crowd. probably tryin' to see if there are any honeys in the crowd. hell, beed is just bein' honest.

beed spies a young man in the crowd that could pass for the twin of a guy beed knew back in bowling green. beed was like "man, he looks just like marty". now beed don't make a habit of acosting people in public but beed knew it was gonna bother him all night if he didn't get a closer look at this guy. the fellow gets up and goes to the head (restroom for you civies). on his way back to the bleachers beed has got up and cuts him off.

"excuse me but can i ask you your name?" him: "it's marty smith david, what are you doing in d.c.?" beed: "hell, i can ask you the same, what are you doing here?" when marty was attending western (on a marine rotc scholly) beed got to know him because his cousin invited him to play for our church basketball team. marty could ball too, beed and a friend took him to a 3 on 3 tourney in nashville and we took 4th place out of 16 teams in our division.

marty says, "well i graduated western and now i am attending ocs (officers candidate school) at quantico." beed: "do ya'll come up here and see these guys all the time?" marty: "hell no, i've been at quantico for 2 months and this is the first time we've been up here" beed: "well, i won a free trip from my job and this is one of the trips they set up for us." we say our good-byes, give each other one of those man hugs, the one where both guys lean in and give each other a little hug and a pat on the back, keeping your feet apart from each other lest your groin areas touched each other sending you into full fledged homophobic toxic shock.

now what are the odds of beed being 700 miles from bowling green and running into one of his hoop homies at a silent drill team performance? is that cool or what? and marty just happened to pick that night to go see the performance.

one other thing happened that was very cool. they put together this big shindig where they had refreshments and they had several of our olympic hopefuls there and you could get their autographs. they also had some former athletes there too. beed got to speak to and get the signature of a man that truly was the beed's hero when he was a little boy. who was it you axe. none other than the magical third baseman of beed's beloved orioles when he was a kid....mr. brooks "reds-killer" robinson. he was humble as hell and stood there and talked with beed for about 10 minutes.

the year that the orioles beat the reds in the world series beed was the only kid at t.c. cherry elementary school that was for the orioles. all the rest of the kids were reds fans and they hated the beed when his orioles drilled the reds. brooks had always been known for his glove but he had one helluva world series with his bat.

sorry this got so long but there was no way to tell the story without telling everything.

your friend,

mr. lucky,

dahbeed.

dahbeed............safecracker?

when beed started up with the postal service he was a clerk. he unloaded trucks on an open dock in the middle of the night. beed remembers some nights where the wind chill was below zero. your ass can hump when it's that cold outside.

he dumped bags of mail, sorted letters, threw parcel post. after about 3 and a half years as a clerk, management announced that bowling green was going to receive some mail sorting machines. this would create some different jobs.

one of them was called "mail processing equipment mechanic" or "mpe-6" for short. everyone was talking about who the bosses were gonna put in those jobs and beed bein' way down the totem pole at that time wouldn't have a chance.

but that's not how they filled those positions. you had to pass the mpe exam. this examination did have some mechanical questions but a large portion of the exam dealt with electricity and electronics.

now, electronics is not something you can run down to barnes and noble and grab an "electronics for dummies" book and learn over a weekend. beed spent 7 months stationed in memphis tennessee studying basic electricity and electronics. he then spent several more months in classes on various types of equipment. the long training is one of the reasons beed had to sign up for a 4 year enlistment instead of 3.

back to the postal service exam. beed had to break out all of his old training material and re-memorize things like all of the formulas in "ohm's law". but it was well worth it. there were about 12 of us that took the exam. both of us that passed it were former marines. so much for the marines bein' the dummies of our armed services.

so beed got one of the coveted positions and received more postal training for the machines we were getting. the postal service has an awesome training facility in norman oklahoma. beed has actually spent nearly a year of his life in norman for various training. not consecutively but over a 15 year period.

the training facility is truely top notch. the housing facility is run by marriott and is also top notch. here is a link to the training facility. http://www.nced.com/ one class beed took was 9 freakin' weeks long. but it was a pretty complicated piece of equipment so it took that long to teach it.

when beed first started as a mechanic they were using us to do everything. fix the machines, work on the heating and cooling equipment. hell, they even had us building offices in our free time. the most interesting classes that dahbeed ever took though were called "security" & "advanced security".

"security" was a class that taught how safes worked. they taught us how to take the locking mechanism apart and also how to set them to new combinations. they even tossed in the history of safes.

before beed could attend "advanced security" he had to go to the po-po station and get them to fingerprint him. these were then sent to the fbi by the postal service's inspection service to get a top secret (no kidding) rating if they passed the background check.

beed actually had a "top secret" clearance rating in the marine corps for some of the "crypto" gear that he worked on.

anyhoo, beed passed and got to attend "advanced security" no this was a cool class. they taught us how to put a suction cup microphone near the lock. you then "manipulated" the lock until you got it open. you wore these super pimp headphones that were hooked up to a little amplifier and the mike. the wheels in the lock make a different sound when you are turning past the little opening in the wheel.

next up, they taught us how to drill out locks on the safe if you cannot manipulate it open. they gave us a book with the precise drill points for every lock that sargent and greenleaf or mosler makes. s & g is the world's largest lock manufacturer and mosler is probably second. we didn't get to keep the book. it was sent to the inspection service and if we ever needed it they would send it to us and we would have to send it back when we were finished.

to pass the class you had to drill out a lock successfully and of course beed was able to do his first time.

one thing they were not "allowed" to show us was how to pick locks. because we had passed the high security level we were allowed to purchase a set of lock picks. they then did "describe" how one would go about picking a lock if one wanted to.

they also let us take a bunch of regular locks back to our room to practice picking on. it really is not very hard to do if you have a set of lock picks. beed is the one everyone at work here calls when they forgot their keys to their filing cabinet or desk or any cabinet for that matter.

sometimes beed gets 'em open in like 2 seconds. sometimes it takes a couple of minutes. the key (no pun intended) is to know which direction a lock turns. you would not believe how many people open something every day yet when you axe them "which direction does it turn" they can't tell you.

probably the finest pick job (other than his nose) that beed has ever performed was when he bet a buddy he could pick his desk lock and not use his picks. it was for like a coke or something. it took him a few minutes but with a pocketknife and a paper clip beed was able to get it. macgyver would have been proud of the beedstah.

see, this beed fellah gots all kinds of different skillzzzz in his repertoire. he's a hoopstah genio (genius), former electronics technician, former jarhead. he is a lover of all things female, oh.....it's a mutual admirations society too folks, they love the beedstah. beed done tole ya'll that he has that little something that women adore......no not THAT LITTLE SOMETHING. he means that intangible, ya'll get your minds out of tha gutter. and now you know, that beed has a little cat burglar in him. the driller of safes, the picker of locks.

sincerely,

dahbeed "alexander munday" wagner

a tidbit

this is just a little tidbit that beed discovered yesterday while he was proofing the dental post for mis-spellings.

beed's cursor hovered over the photo of emma and beed noticed that the arrow turned into a link finger. so beed clicked on it.

it gives you a much larger version of the photo. so for those of you that enjoyed the photos of the beautiful nicaraguan kids, you can go back and click on them and see how beautiful they are in greater detail.

it doesn't work on some pictures and beed don't know why.

carry on.

dahbeed.

strange shit...how do they do this?

okay, beed wuz surfing very late last night. he went to visit one of his favorite blogs. it is written by some hottie by the name of lilliot. tho' white hot, (according to her sister) that is not the reason beed wuz there. he wuz there cuz she has a gift with the scribbled word that few folks have. and we know that dahbeed craves words like a crack ho craves the pipe.

she beats herself up and being the artist that she is, she is never satisfied with her own work but she has come dangerously close to causing beed to quit blogging after reading one phrase by her. that's how good she is. beed has a link to her blog....it's the one called "my friend's little sis"

anyhoo, she had a link to some website that asks you a few questions and it will tell you what zodiac sign you are or should be. here is the link----> http://www.blogthings.com/whatsignshouldyoubequiz/

this quiz only asks 4 questions. beed answered them as truthfully as he could. there was no reason not to. what would beed gain by lying to a stupid online test? beed is one twisted fokk but he ain't that twisted.....yet.

anyhoo. this is what the quiz printed out after beed answered the querstions:

What's good about you: intense and energetic, you can easily transform the vibe of a room

What's bad about you: if someone rubs you the wrong way, you'll sting them!

In love: you experience very strong feelings - both passion and jealousy

In friendship, you're: likely to demand loyalty and dump friends who don't provide it

Your ideal job: circus performer, hypnotist, or hunter

Your sense of fashion: revealing, daring outfits - you love taking fashion risks

You like to pig out on: spicy Thai, Mexican, or Indian food

it said that beed was a scorpio in our zodiac table. beed is a scorpio according to most zodiac tables. his birthday is october 23rd and that is the first day of scorpio in most tables. beed has seen it as the last day of libra in some also.

when beed was a very young boy he read a book on the signs of the zodiac and was amazed at how he and his family fit each one of the personality profiles assigned to each sign. as beed got older he realized that it was a bunch of hokus pokus bullshit generaliztions that anyone could find what they wanted to find since they were so general and generic.

beed does believe that your birth date could have some effect on shaping your personality. what if you were born in november. it's very cold the first 4 months of your life and your parents never take you outside. could that initial glimpse of the world shape your personality? beed sees how it could but what about kids born in south florida or southern arizona? would their capricorns be different?

ya'll click on the link and take the test. let beed know if it got yours right. that way he'll be even more amazed or realize that his test was the proverbial "blind squirrel stumbling across an acorn"

the generalization that intrigues beed the most was the one that said "what's bad about you: if someone rubs you the wrong way you'll sting them!"

even though beed argues that with his aging and decrease in testosterone he has become a mellower, gentler dahbeed. and he has for the most part. but there are times when he lets that temper rise to the top and beed can be venomous with words.

how many times has beed had to apologize to people this year for things he said in the hilltopper haven chatroom? someone would get on there and spew idiocy and beed would end up calling them a cunt or something equally obnoxious. then beed would try to remember who all was in the room and send them an apology via p.m. the next day.

this usually occurred after beed had been in the firewater. but the old saying "in vino veritas" has some truth to it. so what does that say about beed? if that is his true side does that mean at his core he is an asshole with a terrible temper that he is normally able to squash through discipline and self control but get some drink in him and you get full bore dahbeed.

oh hell, beed is rambling now. and tho' beed does not pick up the morning newspaper and turn straight to the zodiac tables to see how he should approach the day, he does find it interesting that many of the personality traits assigned to scorpio very much fit dahbeed. hell, if you don't recognize your own strengths and frailties after 46 years then you are not very self aware or possess a double digit i.q.

your buddy,

el escorpion,

dahbeed.

paging el dentista doctor dahbeed

beed referenced in an earlier post that he had pulled 16 teeth in his dental career. is beed a dentist? hell no! did he pull 16 teeth? hell yes! before you rush to judgement let beed get the story out. this beed character is sumpin' else, no?

the lovely lady above is a honduran dentist named emma gutierrez. she is a sweetheart. sure she coulda used a little work on her unibrow but beed always thought she was cute as hell and always was her assistant any time she worked with us.

our team would always bring doctors, nurses, pharmacists, and dentists but sometimes we would outsource some work to a local. we paid them more than they would make in their own office but it was hard work and pitiful accomodations.

as dahbeed has stated earlier, he's done every job on the team but has probably worked in the dental clinic more than anywhere. let's define dental clinic for everyone who is imagining their dentist's office. unh-unh.....not even close. the mission had some old dental chairs that they would pack out to the village the week before we got there. no fancy overhead lights. one of the assistants jobs was to stand there with a flashlight and point into the mouth of the patient so the dentist could clearly see what they were working on.

beed used to joke with emma, who loved beed by the way, always insisting that he be her assistant, because number one, beed spoke spanish and knew all of the instruments names in spanish and two because women like dahbeed, he don't know why, he guesses it's cuz he's foolish enough to cut up with them. beed has that intangible. yes, by now you are rolling your eyes and rightfully so but it's just something that beed has discovered in his 46 years on this orb.

back to our cutting up. beed used to tell emma "mire, mi foco es un llave" look, my flashlight is a key. emma would say "porque" why. beed replied "mire, solo tengo movar mi foco cerca de la boca y abrirlo" look, i only have to move my flashlight near their mouth and they open it. and it did work every time. even if emma was not ready beed would point his flashlight at the patient's mouth and it would open. beed would move it away and they would close it. beed would sometimes do it like 5 times in a row and have emma in stitches. is beed a twisted fokker or what?

emma was vertically challenged so she had a small wooden box she stood on. more on the clinic. no fillings, no cleaning, no braces.....solamente extracciones...only extractions. and the people were more than happy about that. when was the last time you had a bad toothache and could do nothing about it because you couldn't afford to visit a dentist?

we worked like an assembly line. emma would shoot up four people with the numbing agent and by the time she finished with the fourth one the first would be numb enough to work on. one of dahbeed's jobs as an assistant was to make an x on the number of the tooth to be pulled. they all had a dental card and it had a picture of both rows of teeth. each tooth has a number. emma would say "diez y seis dahbeed" and beed would make an x on tooth number 16. that way when they got back over there beed would look at the card and say "diez y seis, mi amor" 16 my love.

for any of the long time readers you will remember a story about the only white boy on the bus. that was the trip where beed left his money under a mattress in a hotel and then had to frantically go back to get it. he then had to navigate back to the village we were supposed to work in. the village was named las trojes. it was actually the same village beed worked in on his very first trip to honduras back in '86. but this was 8 years later.

anyhoo, we had one gringo dentist and emma. of course beed claimed emma cuz hell, beed likes women, he's made no bones about it. and if he's going to be standing in one place for 12 hours he would much rather do it with a pretty lady than some hairy assed man.

our dentists would see around 65 patients a day. think about that one. and many of them had multiple extractions. each dentist would usually pull over 200 teeth per day. and you better not have a weak stomach. there is much blood involved in the pulling of teeth. no nice little sink to spit into....just a cardboard box to the side of the chair. one of the first phrases dahbeed learned in spanish was "por favor, no escupa en el piso, escupa en la caja" please don't spit on the floor, spit in the box.

anyhoo, one day it was around 6:00 and it looked like the good old dental clinic was gonna miss supper again. we probably still had around 20 people to see. beed could see that emma was dog tired. this was like our third 12 hour day and it takes a toll even on the young.

one of the baptist rules is that men are not allowed to wear shorts. god forbid a honduran see beed's knees and ankles....that would be an express train to hell. until beed went into management he wore shorts every day to work, even in the winter. so this was a hardship on him. and since the places we worked were usually hot as hell beed didn't want to wear jeans. so he got a friend that worked at a hospital to hook him up with some surgical scrubs. they are extremely lightweight and very loose fitting. just perfect for hot weather.

so when beed is standing there with a flashlight wearing surgical scrubs, the hondurans have no idea that he is not a dentist. anyhoo, emma has been working on this older gentleman for like 5 minutes and couldn't get that damn tooth to budge. beed axes emma "tu quieres, yo hacerlo?" do you want me to do it? she replied "si, tu puedes" yes, if you can.

now beed has watched thousands of teeth be pulled. it is not rocket science. once you get the pliers on the tooth you kind of rotate your hand in a figure 8 motion trying to loosen each one of the roots.

so emma put the pliers on the tooth correctly and held the instrument in place while beed put his hands on the instrument then she let go. holy shit! now beed finds out why emma wuz struggling with this older guy. it was hard as hell to get it out. beed eventually had to hold the guys head in a headlock so there was no give as he was working his figure 8. finally that sucka came out and beed was elated. his first extraction.

a heavenly glow came over the dental clinic and you could hear faint choral chanting getting louder as it approached the clinic. beed is just bullshitting about that but he ain't bullshitting about pulling the teeth.

so, the rest of the night, emma would shoot 'em up, put the instrument in place and let beed pull them. emma thanked beed profusely as her poor forearm was worn out. beed told her she could pay him off later that night......hehehehehe. nothing happened you perverts, this was a mission trip and we weren't even allowed to wear short pants. beed wuz just joking with emma and she got a good laugh out of it.

beed never pulled another tooth. but it still remains a memory he will never forget. "are you a dentist? no but i slept at a holiday inn express last night and play one in honduras"

your buddy,

el dentista,

doctor dahbeed

p.s. if you are ever in dire straights and can't see your local dentist, roll on out to the beed casa and he'll hook you up homie.

photos on a wall.......and a happy abuelita

beed always takes a ton of photos when he is on a trip to central america. he take very few of the team that he goes with. he usually focuses on the locals and they are mostly of the children. beed also thinks they are absolutely beautiful children with their olive skin and dark eyes. some of their eyes are almost black. you can't really tell where the pupil ends and the iris begins.

beed liked the photo of the girl above because of the look on her face and the pose.

beed really loves the look on this girls face. it's kind of shy and almost has a look that says "why would you want to take my photo. oh, rule number one. beed always axes permission before snapping "puedo tomar tu foto por favor?" can i take you photo please? beed also loves her little dress. some of you women love your slacks and baby can have her blue jeans on but beed will tell you ladies, wear those dresses if you really want to turn our heads.

this hombrecito (little man) had been kicked in the head by a horse. fortunately for him it happened when we were in town and beed watched one our doc's cut the hair around the wound, scrub it vigorously and then stitch it up. the little fellow was a champ too, no screaming and crying from him, that's why beed called him a hombrecito. check out his hands.....yikes, he racked up from the toy ladies.

beed 'splained in an earlier post how every gringo ends up with a special friend for the week. the kids will pick out their favorite gringo and follow them around like they are glued to you. ya'll know that beed loves the female of the species. this little girl, for whatever reason picked out beed to be her buddy. beed couldn't leave the clinic and go anywhere without holding hands with this precious little bundle of joy. anytime we had church service she would find beed and come over and hold his hand or just lean against him.

and she knew how to defend her turf too. if she saw another little girl or boy tryin' to make time with dahbeed she would let them know immediately who beed belonged to. you ladies can be as possessive as menfolks.....maybe more so. beed loves the lighting in that photo and the shadows it created. it was taken inside the church. beed had picked her up and put her on the window sill as there were no available seats and sometimes you just have to make do with what's available

no story on this boy, beed wuz just busting the chops on a bunch of boys and snapped this one. plus beed knows he has a lot of female readers and beed wanted to provide equal opportunity for you guys as beed could easily post all female photos.

tell beed that this little fella ain't a shite. you can see it in his eyes. beed loves characters and this boy has character written all over him.

what do u add to this? one word. bella (beautiful)

this may be one of the prettiest girls beed has ever seen on his trips. just drop dead model gorgeous. in beed's always humble o-pin-eeeon. beed told her mamacita, "tu hija es absolutemente bella" your daughter is absolutely beautiful. her mama replied "oh, muchas gracias, es porque su papa es suizo" oh, thank you very much, it's because her father is swiss.

never passing up a chance to spit a little game beed told her that she looked pretty fine to him and her daugter was not beautiful only because her dad was swiss that the mother had impact on it too. beed actually made her blush. this is her photo below.

back to the title "photos on a wall......and a happy abuelita. these photos all came from a little village named israel nicaragua. we went back to that village again the next year and here is the story.

beed always gets double prints of his photos. it doesn't cost that much and you can always give them to someone that doesn't have a good camera and wants some of yours. anyhoo, beed came up with the bright idea of giving them to the people in the photos. he obviously couldn't go door to door so this is what he did.

he took some boxes and cut them up. he then used duct tape (what separates us from monkeys, some say the opposable thumb, beed says duct tape) to make this huge poster board. he then made little rolls of duct tape and put it on the back of each photo and then stuck them to the poster board. some of the little boys helped beed do all of this.

we then put the poster near the front of the clinic where everyone passes through. if they saw a photo of themselves they were free to take it. the people loved the photos of themselves as most of them are dirt poor and have no photos of themselves.

beed was working as a translator for a nurse and there was a young lady around 17 years old with a baby that was a little bit malnourished. so the nurse and doctor both agreed to give this lady a bunch of formula but she had no way of getting it to her house. beed has always been pretty damn strong for his size and he volunteered to carry all of it to her house. it was a mile away. that shit got heavy but we had a nice conversation about everything and nothing on the way to her casa. when beed got back the nurse he had been working with was very excited and said "oh david, you just missed it". beed said "missed what"

she told beed that there was this little abuelita (grandmother) that had been standing in the line. she did not know about the rule for the photos. she had spied her grandaughter in one of the photos and wanted to know if she could buy it. the person working the door said, "you don't have to buy it, they're free". they said the woman then started crying, (tears of joy).

she told them that she had not seen her grandaughter in over 9 months as they had moved very far away and she also had no photos of her. she wanted to meet the person that took the photos and give them a hug. see, beed even generates grandma lovin'. they told her where beed had run off to and she waited as long as she could but her ride was getting ready to go and she couldn't miss it. she made them promise to tell beed how happy he had made one little grandma.

beed is always missin' out on good stuff like that but he has had enough good times that it balances out. heck the walk to the ladies casa had been a good event as it got beed out of the clinic for awhile and let him work on his spanish in a one on one environment.

from that trip forth beed always brought his second set of photos with him. if we went to the same village we would hang them up. if were were going somewhere different beed would leave them with the mission staff and make them promise to put them up on the next trip to the village.

beed has never taken a class on photography or even read a book on it. all of those photos were taken with a minolta maxim. it was the very first autofocus 35 millimeter camera. beed bought it around 20 years ago and it has taken absolutely great photos for the beedster. not bad for an amateur that don't know his ass from a hole in the ground when it comes to photography. but it helps when your subjects are as beautiful as these kids are.

your buddy,

ansel dahbeed.

paul's buddy........jose

the very large gentleman in this photo is a man named paul. beed don't remember his last name. he is country as hell and from paducah, kentucky. he is also good hearted as hell and beed will never forget him as a person, beed is just terrible with names.

the boy squatting in front of him with the blue bandana is named jose. every other kid in central america is jose or maria......joseph and mary......catholocism has a pretty big influence in that part of our world.

when we would roll into any village it creates a fervor, an excitement unrivaled....the fair has come to town. our crew would usually be around 60 gringos (white people) and at least 20 locals from the mission house, cooks, interpreters, pretty much anything you need to successfully set up a clinic and see 1,000 folks a day free gratis.

the adults are just as interested in us but the children are a little more bold and have more free time to run around making friends with the gringos. what generally happens is every gringo ends up with a special little friend for 4 and a half days and both of them will be slinging snot as we leave the village. yes, it's very possible to fall in love in 4 and a half days.

beed has worked in every department of the clinic. dental......beed has pulled sixteen teeth in his dental career but that is a story for another time. beed has scrubbed instruments for the dentists. beed has worked crowd control.......a job he personally doesn't like to do but beed always worked where the jefe (chief) needed him the most.

ya'll remember carlos from the beed loves womans post? anyhoo, he told beed what u need to do is find the biggest meanest sonofabitch in the village, the guy who has bitten off someone's finger in a friday night drunken brawl. every town has a baddest guy. carlos told beed to find him and tell him you will give him 10 dollars a day to keep the line straight and make sure nobody cuts. though beed agrees with carlos that this would probably be the most effective method for crowd control he doubts the baptists would agree.

beed, has taken hundreds of blood pressures in a day. your damn ears get very tender from puttin' that instument in and out of them a hundred times. this trip, the jefe came to beed and said "beed, i need you to work in the construction crew.....right now they are in disarray and i need a veteran over there"

beed will tell you why they were in disarray.......they had an asshole running the show. he's a general contractor here in bowling green and has the personality of a f'in hemmoroid . so beed heads over there and axes what are we doing. well, we needed to build a ton of new pews for a new church the mission had constructed.

we built some jigs and in no time were hammering and gluing church pews together at a rate that would have made henry ford proud. but dickweed is still causing turmoil by yelling at folks and pushing people around verbally. beed told the jefe, "u need to get this jerk out and let us work on our own and we will get them all done" the jefe said "i know, you're not the first that has told me that but it's a delicate situation."

beed promised to hold his tongue for the good of the trip. anyhoo, jose was following paul around like an adopted child. he was a really good boy. but the whole day would pretty much consist of jose saying something and paul turning to beed and saying "what did he say?" beed would translate it and then paul would say something and jose would look at beed and say "que dice el?" the same question paul axed beed, "what did he say".

but beed didn't mind. jose was a good boy and paul was a hard working sumbuck and beed liked him. paul is one of those guys that is just country strong. you don't want to get into a rumble with someone like him as the outcome will usually come out in his favor. there were a couple times that he wanted to go after the guy mouthin' to us but for the good of the trip he didn't.

anyhoo, it's our last day of work, the next day we would run the clinic for half a day and then leave. beed who had been on many of these trips has always walked all around the village just so he gets his bearings. beed knew which one of the stores would have the coldest coca colas and beed would always take enough breaks to enjoy them.

we had really worked our asses off that week and beed looks over at paul and told him "c'mon paul put your hammer down, we're gonna go walk all over this village" this was paul's first trip and he looked and beed and replied "are you sure man, can we just do that, there are still some more pews we need to finish"

beed said, "come on, we're going, lets go visit jose's house" paul just got a big ole country boy shit eatin' grin on his face and said "alright, if you say it's okay, let's go" beed, paul and jose walked all over that damn village with jose as a tour guide. paul was as giddy as a teenage girl on her first date.

early on beed axed jose "donde esta tu casa?" (where is your house) he kind of dismissed beed a little bit and just waved his hand in a direction and said "alla" (over there). beed said "vamanos a tu casa, yo quiero encontrar a tu mama" (let's go to your house, i want to meet your mom). jose said "ahora no" not now.

so we toured more places and it was almost time for supper and beed really pressed jose this time "vamanos ahora mismo a tu casa" let's go to your house right now" beed could tell it was paining jose and beed didn't know why. he knew immediately when we got there. it was a stick house and jose was around 14 years old, an age when you never want to be embarassed about anything, and especially not where you live.

growing up poor, beed knew the feeling well, while all of his friends at school lived in nice subdivisions we grew up on 15th street and then 14th street in rough houses. beed's pop always fixed 'em up but beed knows the anxiety a young guy can feel about his casa.

jose's mama was inside sweeping out her dirt floor. the three of us went inside and she being a humble host offered her plastic chairs to beed and paul. beed wouldn't think of refusing as it would have hurt her feelings. beed told her that she should be very proud for raising such a fine son and how helpful that jose had been with beed and paul all week in the construction crew.

bein' a parent, you can never be told how good your kids are too many times. beed has heard it countless times about his two boys and it's true. and beed wasn't blowing smoke up jose's mama's ass. he was a good boy and he had been helpful. we stayed for only about 15 minutes of just basic chit-chat. we had put jose at ease about his casa by showing no reaction to it at all. when we left jose was practically skipping with beed and paul. all 8 of those kids belong to that senora on the right of the photo. that is not unusual at all down there.

hope you enjoyed the story of paul and jose. two salt of the earth people, one from the u.s. and the other from nicaragua. beed bets that those two still remember the time that this big ole country boy left paducah and made a new friend.

sorry beed hasn't been blogging but the sunbelt tournament got in his way. and since we lost last night beed couldn't bear posting anything on haven so he needed a release for his words and blogspot took the brunt of it. beed might follow this one up with another central american story.

your buddy,

the world traveller,

dahbeed magellan.